TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A further put the place American Males can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer you All people a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And Trump Tower Damascus an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have switch-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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